Quote of the Day

"Remember that your best chance for happiness is in keeping your expectations high for yourself and low for everyone else." Susan L. Taylor, editorial director, Essence Magazine.

Most of us go through life with a predefined notion of what people "should" (or should not) do. For example, "My significant other should not cheat on me." or "My mother should love me more." And then after deciding what the other person should or shouldn't do, we hold them accountable to that belief that we have created for them.

So if your SO is cheating on you, but you decide to forgive because they promise not to ever do it again, you want to believe them, but also do all YOU can to make them not want to stray. For example, you may demand that they call you at specific times so that you know where they are. Or you may give them a curfew or even start checking the calls on their cell phone or their voicemails to make sure they are staying out of trouble.

Inevitably, the mistrust will become too much for the relationship (in most cases) and it won't survive.

I have found that my life has gotten much less stressful since I made the conscious decision to stop deciding what people "should" (or shouldn't) do, and started instead to just observe what people "actually" do, and then respond accordingly. In other words, I've stopped expecting people to behave as I think they "should."

So when I observe a behavior in someone that is different from what I would do in a similar situation, I first accept that that behavior is what that person wants to do and then I decide whether or not I can deal with it.

If I can deal, then it's all good.

But if I can't, I don't waste time trying to convince the other party of what they should or shouldn't do, because it means that I am trying to change that person. And we all know that change comes from within.

This doesn't mean that if someone was trying to harm themself that I would not try to help them or talk them out of it. What I am talking about is when people have different morals and lifestyles that I don't necessarily condone, but that are not in and of themselves harmful either.

So what would I do in the case of the cheater? I would (and have in the past) accept the fact that they are a cheater. And for me, that means that we could not be together any more. There would be no reason for me to try to get that person to "change" into a faithful partner because they have already shown that they are not one.

Of course there are people who would forgive the cheater and try to make it work. That's ok too, because for some people cheating is a "fixable" thing. But it just isn't for me.

This concept is called "Loving What Is" --this simply means that when we find ourselves in a situation where we feel compelled to change something about another person, we take a step back and really question the situation to discover what it is about ourselves that would make us want to change another person, instead of accepting them as they are and treating them accordingly.

I read the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie and it really helped me get to the root of a lot of things that I was struggling with internally. Any time I feel upset about something that I think someone "did" to me, or even if I am upset at myself about something, I am able to use her techniques to get to the root of the thought.

Expectations are a good thing to have for yourself. And they are useful to use when evaluating other people too, but only when done correctly. It is ok to set an expectation, but not to try to make someone else conform to your expectations if it doesn't come naturally to them. When you find that someone is not meeting your expectations, try accepting that fact first, and then deciding if you can hang or not. You may save yourself a lot of time and heartache in the end.